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Conservative Satire News February 24, 2011

The Saudi Arabian man arrested in Texas for under suspicion of building a "weapon of mass destruction" is released after DHS learns he was just trying to build an IED, not watch Fox News.

Army finds Rolling Stone expose about employment of psy-ops on Senators to be "laughably manufactured," reminding the public senators don't have minds to manipulate.

New poll finds 67% disapprove of the Wisconsin Democratic Senators that fled the state to avoid a vote on the states budget. This rate drops significantly under a scenario where they never return.

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A Solution To Wisconsin's Budget Battle AND Our Dependence on Foreign Oil

Piggy backing on a satire headline from yesterday (February 23).

Scott Walker solves the Wiconsin budget crisis

If it's tough to read you can click the image to see a larger version.

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Terrorist Busted While Messin' With Texas

A man in Lubbock Texas was arrested...

...late yesterday by FBI agents in Texas on a federal charge of attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction in connection with his alleged purchase of chemicals and equipment necessary to make an improvised explosive device (IED) and his research of potential U.S. targets.

Check out the story at Right Network

The most shocking part of the story is that the man was caucasion with sandy blond hair, blue eyes, wearing a cowboy hat and was a known Tea Party organizer in the area. See for yourself...

Obviously he beat himself until his skin bruised into a nice olive tone. In fact he be beat himself so bad even his hair bruised black.

Even though he attempted to hide himself from DHS by changing his name to Khalid Ali-M Aldawsari there were a few signs of suspicious activity that got them on to his scent:

    He once drank tea at a party

    His radio could pick up AM signals

    He knew Glenn Beck spelled his name with two "n's"

    His racist streak (he once posted on Facebook that the govnerment should heavily scrutinize Arab Muslims for suspected terrorism)

    He went around shouting Reagan Akbar

America! F**K YEAH! Hi fives all around! Score one of the good guys, even though liberals run the Department of Justice, and thus have no clue they're the good guys.

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A Wizzconsin Protest Graphic


If you haven't had a chance to meet the 14 Wisconsin Democratic Senators who went AWOL on the job you can see them here.

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Conservative Satire News February 23, 2011

Liberal organizations coordinating advertising for Obama's reelection bid see major challenges ahead and start with hiring consultants who have attempted to sell ice to Eskimos.

Gay activists praise Obama's abandonment of DOMA defense and potentially paving the way for federal recognition of gay marriage, prompting promises from gay men to show female "breeders" how wedding dresses really get done.

Wisconsin's governor sees a potential opportunity when oil hits $100 dollars sparking a proposal to close the budget deficit with unions by somehow refining and monetizing their slime.

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Wisconsin Is The Union Superpower

This is a hilarious take on the Wisconsin union debacle from Steven Crowder (h/t IMAO)

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We Are Caught In The Crosshairs of A Rivalry Between Satan and the Public Sector Unions

When a company runs out of money to pay for the workers it has it gets rid of workers until they can afford themselves again. I know that sounds callous because jobs should be as plentiful as air, but they're not.

I hate to burst anyones bubble but your job isn't that important either, compared to air that is. Air sort of defies the laws of economics because its value doesn't go down with its seemingly infinite supply, it's THAT important.

In fact, it's second most important job, at the moment, is to give life...until it's done proving Al Gore wrong.

B.O. = Before Obama

Compare that to a job that's really rare, the fewer of them the more valued they are, like being president B.O.

If the country had a million presidents, being one of a million would be a lot less impressive than one IN a million. Try dividing the job into a million pieces...that puts each president in charge of one page of ObamaCare. You just can't have that because then the law would REALLY be a mess.

This is just not true with air, being one of a bazillion makes air the king of the hill of all exceptions.

That's why this fight in Wisconsin is too important for Scott Walker, and the universe, to lose.

Because it has transformed into a beast that can never be fed, the public sector unions now think they're better than air. In fact, they think we need them more than air.

They've become so selfish they don't see that money is air for an economy...only A LOT more finite. Even though there isn't any more money the unions have been so big for so long they think they can continue to grow without it, and thus dethrone air.

After decades of this air is trying to be all like, "dude, unions, wtf? If you try to spread like me everything will die!"

But air can't talk, and here we have people like Governor Scott Walker trying to be a voice for the voiceless, and the unions are like, "you're wrong buddy! Look at the state's bank account, we're not choking it to death."

The bottom line is this, air is pretty awesome, even though it's everywhere. Which is actually why it's awesome, because it gets to be an exception to the rules of economics.

When you think of it that way you'll see air is a lot like God. Then there's Satan, who think's he's better than God, and the harder he tries to prove it the more stuff he ruins.

Basically, if we draw this out to it's logical conclusion, we are all innocent bystanders caught in the crosshairs of a sibling rivalry between the Satan and the public sector unions.

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Conservative Satire News February 22, 2011

Following the trends of Wisconsin and Indiana, Democrats flee Nevada after Harry Reid proposes that state criminalize prostitution.

After feasting on braised short ribs during her vacation to Vail, CO, Michelle Obama is pressed on what part of her vacation diet was actually fat free, answering "the hypocrisy."

Gay community protests San Francisco proposal to ban circumcision, citing health reasons by pointing out that skinless meat is healthier for consumption.

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How "Progressive" Math Works

A friend at Free Republic sent me this nifty graphic last weekend.

The GOP gets accused of fiscal fuzzy math all the time, that's because they're not visionary enough to know that the best way to deal with crushing government debt is to do nothing to reduce its overhead.

Then there is numerical comprehension, especially when looking at Wisconsin. For instance...

Chris Matthews: Let me go to the Republican, Senator Grothman. My question of course is why does the Governor pick on the unions that didn't endorse him in the last campaign but give a free ride to the firefighters and the cops who did and the localities? Why did they get off and are allowed to continue to negotiate collectively?

More at NewsBusters

When it comes to Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's efforts to fix that state's budget this has been the major point of attack for the left, if not the only one. Which is interesting because what has actually not been in dispute is the fact that Wisconsin is too broke to maintain the public sector status quo, but what about this attack?

Well, according to the Newsbusters article Walker points out that only 4 out of 314 fire and police unions actually endorsed him.

And THAT, my friends, is "progressive" math!

Apparently the exceptions are the rule, and if you take Obama's perspective on the exposing of Planned Parenthoods criminal cover up of exploitation the rule is the exception. The trick is knowing which one is which, and when.

It's actually not that hard. Basically, proglodytes always take the path that makes them look less guilty of idiocy. Take these equations, for example:

Dan Quayle + potatoe - liberal media bias = Joe Biden

Global warming + Science x "2 + record snow + Al Gore x Gore's two cents = Climate Change

Bush Recession + Obama Stimulus - Bill Clinton / shovelsHOPE + higher unemployment = Bush Recession

Michelle Obama + (Childhood Obesity x veggie tyranny) = Fat free hypocrisy

Conservatism + Major Hasan x DenialJared Loughner = Sarah Palin

Bill Maher + Helen Thomas - (TalentActual x Halloween365) = Nose

All of this is part of a far more complex equation, but I don't know all its components. I just know that you don't need a calculator to solve it because the answer is always "progressives are wrong."

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Calorie Counting for First Lady Michelle Antoinette

So that deliciously hypocritical short rib meal Michelle Obama had on vacation is apparently only 600 calories according to the Vail Daily.

The first lady, in Vail with her daughters and some friends for the Presidents Day weekend, dined at Restaurant Kelly Liken in Vail Village Saturday night, enjoying a pickled pumpkin salad with arugula and a braised ancho-chile short rib with hominy wild mushrooms and sauteed kale....

A braised short rib is a relatively lean cut of beef, braised with most of the fat cooked off. The 5-ounce serving runs about 600 calories, Liken said — a far cry from the 1,500 calories and 141 grams of fat it's accused of.

If the Vail Daily is trying to audition to the official distribution arm of the Obama Administrations propagandistic flatulence they should've realized that the internet exists beyond the little world their article creates.

What was sure to be a five second Google search The Drudge Report uncovered that they're pissing on us and calling it rain with an extraordinary amound of patronization.

Drudge links to, which has a list of "food with lots of fat".....guess what they have at the top of their list.

Other than Liken's say so there appears to be absolutely nothing that corroborates that Michelle Antoinette's meal actually was only 600 calories. Which begs the question...where does this 600 calorie short rib Kelly Liken supposedly prepares come from?!?

The exit, of course, is on the left

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