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A Recipe for 2011 State of the Union Cookies

Apparently one representative from the Republican and Democratic caucuses were charged with writing a recipe for cookies commemorating the bipartisan spirit of this years State of the Union address, which was suggested by Democrats after they lost their historic grip on power. Yeah yeah, that's just right-wing conspiracy theory bluster.

It might be just me, but it seems easy to figure out which side contributed to each section of the recipe...

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2011 State of the Union Bipartisan Chip Cookies:

• 3/4 cup sugar
• 3/4 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 cup butter, softened
• 2 large eggs,beaten
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 3/4 teaspoon salt
• 289 chocolate chips (for the number of Republicans)
• 244 buffalo chips (for the number of Congressional Democrats

Preheat the rhetoric to 375 degrees. Mix sugar, brown sugar, butter, vanilla and eggs in a large bowl by hand. Stir in flour, baking soda, and salt. The dough will be very stiff.

Now would be a good time to note that while they are not on the list of ingredients it would be nice if you added equal amounts of brown vanilla, brown flour, brown baking soda, and brown salt to avoid a cookie where sugar is the only progressive ingredient in a treat baked by a racist.

That said, be sure that the dough is well mixed before moving on. If you think adding these ingredients will be detrimental to the taste of the cookie and will make the baking process take longer it is advised that you do your best to accept what you need to do and make sure you budget the extra time so you wont be late for your klan meeting.

Now that you have ruined what could be delicious dough, but for "progressive" meddling, you can stir in the chocolate chips by hand. You'll need to use a sturdy wooden spoon for this and a bit of muscle so make sure the conservative in the kitchen is handling this part.

Once the chocolate chips are thoroughly mixed you can further ruin the cookie's potential by introducing the buffalo chips. If you're from the coasts and don't know what it's like to live in the real America, buffalo chips, like "progressive" thought, is dried out, hardened and easy to ignite buffalo crap.

You can add nuts, at this time if desired, but if you do this you probably wouldn't need the buffalo chips.

Keep stirring and folding the chocolate and buffalo chips into the dough until they are evenly mixed and dispersed. (This makes sure people can't notice there are more chocolate chips than buffalo ones!)

Drop the dough by rounded tablespoonfuls 2 inches apart onto and ungreased cookie sheet. The cookies need to be this far apart because the dough spreads during cooking. And unless you're some psycho Glenn Beck fan who needs a knife wielding outlet, no sane person wants to cut the cookies apart after baking.

Bake 8 to 10 minutes or until light brown, because that's as far as the right will go before they start feeling uncomfortable about the color, which will probably bother them more than the buffalo chips.

Like any good RINO the centers of the cookies will be soft. Let them cool completely then remove from cookie sheet. If you're the type of person that loves cookies unconditionally and thinks this batch smells so delicious that you can't wait to eat them, please be sure to have the number for poison control handy and check your local listings for a therapist competent enough to address your clear disorder.

For Republicans who openly criticize conservatives, or even leave the party to become Democrat, the proper baking time would be more along the lines of 15 minutes. The cookies will be tough and crispy, and not as preferable as a properly baked cookie, but that is what the recipe calls for. Besides, you sort of asked for it.

So lets see the finished product...


Mmmmmmmm! Doesn't that look delish? Lets see what our celebrity judge has to say...