The Looking Spoon Blog
Category: June 2011
Published on Thursday, 16 June 2011 14:30
As Anthony Weiner
makes a hasty exit is dragged kicking and screaming from his seat of power this is the perfect time to outline a 12 step program to exorcise a member of Congress who is so creepy even his own fellow Democrats got too grossed out to defend him...
- Deny there is a problem - I was hacked, vast right-wing conspiracy, this is a distraction. When cornered, try equivocation with statements like "hey it's not like I took off my shirt too" or "at least it isn't as big as a trunk, then I'd have to switch parties."
- Applaud the efforts of your party and media mouth pieces to defend your honor like it was their own. This is harder than it sounds because half the battle is pretending that all of the participants actually have any.
- Sit back and wait for the truth to unravel so you can execute plan B, character witness testimony.
- If the porn star won't cooperate with plan B then execute plan C: hire a hypnotist to remove knowledge of your own guilt beyond a shadow of "certitude."
- If that doesn't work, announce that your wife is pregnant in the hopes that takes the attention off of you as pundits debate whether or not they should hope he has a son, since a girl would be confronted with her friends being "followed" by him online
when if he can wait until she turns 18.
- Wishing the previous step was the drop dead last one, when all else fails, have a chat with the wife about how to handle the situation, her pregnancy hormones should be especially helpful in figuring this out.
- Seeing that the whole world is turning their back on you now is the moment everyone else has been waiting for with bated breath...the "cock" shot.....just kidding, it's his resignation.
- The Democratic Party goes to work finding a replacement, the most important part of the vetting process will be assessing one's ability to better effectively cover their tracks.
- An election will take place after a court rejects a lawsuit that called for cleansing Congressman Weiner's district using fire.
- Then there's the election. In a desperate attempt to not be completely out of the picture, Weiner spends a fortune trying to get someone to accept his endorsement.
- The Democrat who wins (and is not endorsed by Weiner) vows to clean things up, starting with tweeting to women his own age.
- The seat Weiner occupied in the House is physically removed and replaced with a new one by the CDC.
Only when all these steps are taken can the country get back to more important things, like keeping count of how many games of golf Obama has played without using a calculator.