Here's the latest headlines to enter the vaunted Satire Headlines Archive.
OBAMA SAYS HE MISUNDERSTOOD THAT VOTERS IN 2008 WANTED A "DO OVER", THOUGHT THEY WANTED A "SCREW OVER" - February 26
GOV PATTERSON, MAD AT HEADLINE HE WONT "SEE" REELECTION, IS CORRECTED WHEN AIDE FINDS IT ACTUALLY SAYS "SEEK" - February 26
REID TELLS OBAMA ULTIMATUM TO PASS HEALTH BILL WITHOUT GOP WOULD SOUND "BAD ASS" IF HE USED "THE DIALECT" - February 26
ANONYMOUS OBAMA OFFICIAL TELLS MEDIA HEATH CARE SUMMIT "SUCKED," REQUESTS CODE NAME "JOEY B THE VP" - February 25
BIDEN SAYS HIS GOP TRAP DOOR AT HEALTHCARE SUMMIT OPENED, BUT DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE THEY NEVER LOOKED DOWN - February 25
OBAMA REJECTS THE WAY GOP CLAIMS HIS POLICIES ARE "SOCIALISM", SAYS THEY ARE ACTUALLY "SOCIALIST" - February 25
REID SAYS HIS LOSING THE ELECTION WONT LEAD TO SPOUSAL ABUSE BECAUSE HIS WIFE WILL SHOW HIM MERCY - February 24
BARNEY FRANK DENIES BAD HEARING AFTER GETTING "SUPER EXCITED" TO HEAR THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS A SNOW JOB - February 23
REACTING TO CHENEY'S HEART ATTACK ELIZABETH EDWARDS SAYS ITS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HUSBAND TO HAVE THAT PROBLEM - February 23
DOCTORS FINALLY CONFIRM THE TINGLE RUNNING DOWN CHRIS MATTHEWS'S HIS LEG IS THE LAST OF MSNBC'S RATINGS - February 22
OBAMA'S TELEPROMPTER SAYS IT WAS NOT BRIEFED ON HIS NEW HEALTHCARE PLAN, WOULD NEVER HAVE APPROVED IT - February 22
OBAMA SAYS THAT BECAUSE RUSSIAN ROULETTE HAS LOST ITS EDGE HE WILL CONTINUE TO FIGHT FOR OBAMACARE - February 19
LIBERAL MEDIA MISINTERPRETS TIGER WOODS'S BLAME OF MARITAL INFIDELITY ON BUSH - February 19
DESPITE THE FEDERAL RESERVE RAISING ITS INTEREST RATE BIDEN SAYS IT REMAINS UNINTERESTING TO HIM - February 18
U.N. FINDS NUKES WITH "PROPERTY OF IRAN" STICKERS ON THEM, STARTS TO SUSPECT IRAN MIGHT BE MAKING NUKES - February 18
OBAMA'S COMPLAINT "I CAN'T JUST PULL MONEY OUT OF MY ASS" IS PROVEN WRONG BY BARNEY FRANK - February 17
HILLARY CLINTON ISSUES WARNING TO IRAN TO QUIT NUCLEAR PROGRAM OR FACE MORE SUPER-SERIOUS WARNINGS - February 16
CANADIANS THANK BIDEN FOR KIND WORDS ABOUT THEM AT OLYMPICS, ASK HIM TO NOT CALL THEIR COUNTRY "CANADIA" - February 16
CANADA SAYS "FAILED" OLYMPIC TORCH LIGHTING WAS INTENTIONAL METAPHOR FOR OBAMA'S ADMINISTRATION - February 16
GORE TO RESUME GLOBAL WARMING TALK WHEN WORLD SNOWFALL MELTS OR SUMMER 2011, WHICHEVER COMES FIRST - February 12
OBAMA TELLS BIDEN ONLY JOKES WITH "URANUS" ARE FUNNY AND TO STOP LAUGHING WHEN IRAN SAYS "URANIUM" - February 11Add a comment
You know, I can't find the article of the constitution that permits them to do anything on the Obama Administrations agenda, so I REALLY don't know which Article of the Constitution says the Vice President shall be the official national court jester.
My last post about the Health Care Summit failed to find any diamonds in that rough...until now...
Biden: "It's easy being vice president. You don't have to do anything"
Unidentified lawmaker: "It's like being the grandpa and not the parent,"
Biden: "Yeah, that's it!"
To digress for a second...did anyone notice how quickly Obama's "smile" became a "holy crap I'm really the president" face?
Anyway, to be fair to Joey B the VP, we don't actually want him to do anything! Honestly, he just needs to sit there and look
pretty busy like we deserve him less like a vegetable.
Also, Jay Carney, Biden's spokesperson clarifies that he was "obviously joking, as any review of his schedule and responsibilities would make abundantly clear." So if he says so while darting his eyes constantly to see if Congressman Joe Wilson is in the room then it must be true.
I would be happy to take Carney up on his offer to review the schedule of events written up for Biden, but frankly I'm afraid that it may be....no....I'm not going to say it because its not fair to Joe...he made one mistake long ago and I'm not going to take the opportunity to exploit that mistake for the sake of making any cheap shots because thats not what The Looking Spoon is all about....and I'm not going there...
Ok I went there, and while the scandal about the speech he plagiarized is 22 years old now, I'm not sure it's actually old news, because I just found a leaked copy of the cover of his upcoming memiors...
I guess all he has to do now is get all the other monkeys and typewriters in the same room as him and just start writing it.Add a comment
A lot of conservative pundits said this health care summit was a trap for Republicans and that they shouldn't do it. I reserved my comments because I didn't think it was right to pontificate on an event that had not happened yet.
That said, I couldn't really watch the summit because I have to work to make a living for my
family government, so admittedly I'm going to go on the general sense that absolutely nothing got done because there were no sitings of Satan coming up to the earth's surface to find warmth.
One interesting moment came when Obama blasted Rep. Eric Cantor for piling on the Senates 2400 page bill in front of him, calling it in the linked Breitbart article (in red) a political stunt, which I thought was a bit premature on Obama's part...because the real stunt came when Cantor jumped off the top of the stack of paper and proceeded to give the summit a lesson in skydiving.
Then there was Pelosi claiming the reform would created 400,000 jobs almost immediately, but she appears to not know how many of those jobs will actually be for American business and how many will be for moving companies helping Americans high tail it out of here...
The only substantive thing I actually got out of all of this was that for those that kept score the Democrats got more than twice as much time to speak than the GOP....yet this in no way disrupted the bipartisan spirit of the summit because....
According the the Washington Times article linked above (in red...again) the Democrats spoke for 114 minutes, the GOP for 110 minutes, and Obama spoke for 119 minutes!!! Giving the Democrats a total of 233 minutes.
Hey! Remember when this understudy of a president said health care reform wasn't about him? Thats because theres not enough room in his ego for both health care and EVERYTHING....which incidentally includes health care, so he's telling the truth on a technicality....on that note lets check the scoreboard:
I know I know, how does Team Truth get two points?!? Keep in mind that in the video he said he was the president....and unfortunately, pending the emergence of a birth certificate, this too is true.
I guess if the deciding factor for you is how much more time the
Bolshevik-- liberals- progressives- Ahmadinejad panty hurlers - olympic curling rejects- Democrats got to speak then I guess it was a debacle for the GOP...but in reality I'm pretty sure this exercise in mental masturbation for Obama changes nothing in the PR war for universal health care.
Its been quite a while since I've posted something I've come across in the wild west of the blogosphere that caught my fancy.
This was sent to me by the fellas over at The Daily Zing, a conservative leaning humor blog. They actually do the same kind of stuff I do here, but this video takes a lot of extra time and effort I don't have because I have to go to a day job to pay my bills, the govnerments bills, and after I'm done doing that I pay the governments bills some more...not necessarily in that order either.
Its called Scandalous Politician...which to me is a title that is probably twice as long in word count than necessary.....but then again maybe its just trying to capture the spirit of redundancy that is government.
In any case, enjoy the video. Both sides get skewered, if you don't like seeing Republicans get theirs the video starts blasting the Dems around the halfway point and ends on that high note. Hope it gives you a little bit of a chuckle like it did for me.
In a rare moment of humor leveled by the GOP that didn't involve them lecturing the country about fiscal responsibility Senator Jim DeMint quipped that the record breaking snow all over the world would continue until Al Gore cried uncle.
It seems that liberals suffer from some strange form of munchausen by proxy where they constanly accuse conservatives of being fascist dictators bringing about the Fourth Reich any day now. Then when they campaign they openly cheer, like in 2008, for majorties that would make any opposition to their policies irrelevant and powerless....aka one-party rule...not to be confused with the iron grip of evil authoritarian dictatorship suffered under Bush before his
refusal to give up being president ending in a military coup peaceful transfer of power to Obama.
The moral of the story is if liberals accuse conservatives of being guilty of something, you can take it to the TARP inflated bank that those same liberals are WAY more guilty of whatever that something is.
For years now the "skeptics" of global warming have been branded as having "declared war on science" by people who have been colluding to "hide the decline" in global temperatures over the last decade. Now we get admissions that there has been no ‘statistically significant’ warming. for the last 15 years and the evidence that sea levels are rising due to global warming has been deemed unreliable.
These "scientists" are being discredited at a pace that would make President Obama's growing unpopularity get whiplash envy. More and more it is finally being realized that they are what us laymen have known them to be all along, political eco-priests who have declared an actual WAR on SCIENCE and have formed an unholy alliance with liberal policy makers to build up a public cult of global warming.
This cult has been stirring the public into a frenzy to believe that while the governments of the world can't do something simple, like not spend money it doesn't have, they can certainly control the temperature of the world with some magical golden thermostat they thought was first in Kyoto before they thought it was in Copenhagen.
Now, in spite of all this new evidence that the whole thing a is a fraud burried under a global blanket of snow the New York Times is now implying the skeptics are being opportunists, while others suggest this record breaking cold is actually part of the warming.
Look liberals, either the globe is warming or it isn't....but you don't get to play this game where the earth says "I'm a popsicle because I have a fever." That doesn't make sense!
If the earth is getting warmer then when I turn on the Vancouver 2010 Olympics I want to see Lindsey Vonn doing the slalom on grass in a bikini...thats a promise that shouldn't be made unless it can be kept damn it!
Seriously though, I can't be the only one who is wondering why Al Gore has all of a sudden made himself more scarce than an MSNBC viewer. Maybe he's snowed in and trapped inside his energy guzzling Nashville mansion.
Whatever the case may be, its becoming increasingly clear that the worlds climate emperor indeed has no clothes.Add a comment
The latest poem in the poetry section...
I'm the smartest man ever
This is my haiku to say so, which is great because haiku's are short and to the point and I'm tired this false reputation I have that I'm some kind of motormouth gaffe factory. So I'm glad I finally get to say my piece in a way that is creative and artistic and really drives home the point that I'm not dum and werdy like my critics paint me. I am thoughtful, I do choose my words good carefully and this haiku says it perfectly...
So Keith Olbermann...the Butthead to Chris Matthews's Beavis...came to a startling epiphany about the Tea Party on Monday during the "Special Comment." portion of his show. I wonder how this got designated special over the rest of the show, to me its a miracle he gets a chance to say anything with the number of viewers he has.
I'm actually reasonably sure more people prefer to watch Nigerians competing in olympic curling than watch Countdown
The video below runs a bit over 9 minutes...and isn't for the faint of heart, and by that I mean if you get a heart attack from laughing too much you should probably skip to the most relevant portion of why this post exists and go to about the 5:50 point, because thats where it gets really good.
When I told my wife about this video she managed, in one single solitary sentence, to rebut all 10 minutes of a rant that Olbermann probably spent his entire weekend writing when he was taking a break from looking at himself in the mirror. She didn't say anything groundbreaking that has never been realized before, but its brevity highlights a brilliance that contrasts how hard Keith had to work to be so stupid. She said:
"You can never simply disagree without being called a racist."
Its not about spending trillions of dollars we don't have, its not about socialist programs that have created inferior economies in the countries that institute them, its not about a health care system that even the leaders of Canada don't want for themselves (much less our own politicians), or about the fact that Obama its trying to channel Neville Chaimberlain in trying to "negotiate" with intractibly insane nuke seeking radical Mus-....ahhrm...."violent extremeists".
We just hate black people? Wow, for a long time now I thought I hated crappy leadership...what a revelation!
I could launch into the formidable list of black leaders who are conservative, or point out the fact that many Republicans/conservatives gave Obama a chance to prove himself over pulling the lever for McCain....or I can let Olbermann's idiocy, and my wife's brilliantly astute response speak for themselves.
That said, I wonder when MSNBC is going to start paying kickback money with their profits for all the free attention their shows get on sites like News Busters and YouTube.
For my part...you're welcome Keith, just doing what I can to let people know morons like you get television shows.
Its a double edged sword for them, if they were ever able to get rid of the conservative sites that blast them they lose their opposition, but they'd also lose about half of their viewership.
In this case for Olbermann what we don't know can't hurt him.
As for his question "where are they?" Maybe he needs to fire his optomotrist because his glasses are clearly not working properly for him. (Roll over glasses-less Keith to see what I mean)
Someone needs to tell Keith that the problem with trying to monologue people into submission is they can change the channel...
And as long as you continue to insult their intelligence they will continue to do so...Add a comment
Here are the latest additions to the 2010 Satire Headline Archive...
IRAN CONFESSES PURSUIT OF NUKES IS REALLY JUST AN EFFORT TO BEAT OUT SARAH PALIN FOR MEDIA ATTENTION" - February 10
NEW POLL FINDS DEMS IS EXPECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN WAR ON CHILDHOOD OBESITY FOR "OBVIOUS REASONS" - February 10
OBAMA SAYS HE WASN'T AWARE OF PALIN USING NOTES ON HAND UNTIL BEING FULLY BRIEFED BY HIS TELEPROMPTER - February 9
MSNBC TELEPROMPTERS BREAK DOWN, CUE CARD BOY OUT SICK, OLBERMAN FORGETS TO BLAST PALIN FOR HAND NOTES - February 9
DEMS REMAIN CRYPTIC ON REASON FEDERAL DEBT LIMIT NEEDS TO BE DOUBLED THE DAY AFTER SUPER BOWL - February 8
CANADA THANKS COLTS AS WAGER WITH OBAMA OVER SUPER BOWL WILL BRING HEALTH CARE SYSTEMS TRADE WITH U.S. - February 8
AFTER PICK OF COLTS TO WIN SUPER BOWL, OBAMA LAMENTS THAT IF FECES WERE LIKE GOLD HE'D BE KING MIDAS - February 8
OBAMA NOT ABLE TO FINISH STATEMENT WISHING HE COULD "HAND JOBS OUT" WHEN BARNEY FRANK SHOUTS "ME FIRST!" - February 5
NEW POLL SHOWS HALF OF THOSE WHO DISAPPROVE OF TEA PARTIES ARE DEMOCRATS, THE OTHER HALF IS OBAMA'S EGO - February 5
LAS VEGAS UNVEILS NEW SLOGAN: WHAT HAPPENS HERE CREATES LESS DEBT THAN OBAMA'S BUDGET
OBAMA ADMINISTRATION TO GO AFTER TOYOTA FOR BAD CARS BECAUSE ONLY VOTERS ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE MISTAKES - February 4
LAS VEGAS UNVEILS NEW SLOGAN: WHAT HAPPENS HERE IS MONEY WELL SPENT COMPARED TO OBAMA'S BUDGET - February 3
LAS VEGAS UNVEILS NEW SLOGAN: WHAT HAPPENS HERE IS MONEY WELL SPENT COMPARED TO OBAMA'S BUDGET - February 3
AFTER "NO SPENDING IN VEGAS" COMMENT, OBAMA PLEDGES NOT TO "BLOW MONEY ON BONUS PAY FOR TELEPROMPTERS" - February 3
CLIMATEGATE SCIENTISTS ADMIT SKEWED WARMING DATA MAY BE DUE TO MELTING ICE MAKING THEM SEXUALLY AROUSED - February 3
RAHM EMANUEL EXPLAINS SAYING "RETARDED" NOT MEANT TO DEGRADE, HE IS ACTUALLY STATING WHAT HE ASPIRES TO BE - February 1
DNC CONSIDERS HOLDING 2012 CONVENTION IN FOREIGN NATION, AWAITS PERMISSION FROM CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO - February 1
$3.8 TRILLION DEFICIT HIKING BUDGET HAS GOP CONCERNED OBAMA HAS ONE OF TOYOTA'S STICKY GAS PEDALS - February 1
AS HUGO CHAVEZ APPLAUDS OBAMA PROPOSAL TO END PARTISAN RANCOR IN DC GOP REFUSES VOTE TO DISBAND ITSELF - January 29
HAZMAT TEAM CLEARS BOTOX SPILL FROM ACCUPUNTURE FACILITY AFTER PROCEDURE IS APPLIED TO PELOSI'S FACE - January 29
OBAMA EXPERIENCES SEVERE NECK PAIN AFTER REBUKE OF SUPREME COURT, CAN NO LONGER SUPPORT WEIGHT OF HEAD - January 28
CRITICS HAIL OBAMA'S FIRST STATE OF THE UNION AS THE FEEL GOOD COMEDY EVENT OF THE 2010 CAMPAIGN SEASON - January 28
OBAMA'S TELEPROMPTER BREAKS DOWN AT STATE OF THE UNION PREP, KEEPS FLASHING "I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE" - January 27
WANTING A STATE OF THE UNION ABOUT BETTER TIMES OBAMA WARNS SPEECHWRITERS TO NOT PLAGIARIZE GEORGE W BUSH - January 27
BARNEY FRANK INFORMS BIDEN THE MASSACHUSETTS MANDATE WITH SCOTT BROWN WAS ABOUT VOTING, NOT ROMANCE - January 26
OBAMA SIGNS EXECUTIVE ORDER MAKING APPROVAL RATINGS WORK LIKE GOLF SCORES, TOUTS RISING POPULARITY - January 26Add a comment
Hey! Did you know that Iran gave the world a nuclear middle finger yesterday!!! Now that we got that meaningless crap out of the way....lets talk about a more serious mainstream media headline...
Now that liberals are in full control of the country it appears that we now live in a world where a 40 minute speech guided by this
Is the EXACT SAME THING as this
Somehow, in some bizarro world where Rosie O'donnell is a difficult dodgeball target and Rachel Maddow has a sex change operation so his name actually makes sense....Sarah Palin's 5 words written on her hand in ink to outline a 40 minute speech is tantamount to hypocrisy when criticizing Obama for using a machine that spoon feeds him like the political baby he is 100% of the words in his speeches.
Liberals, I forget, how dumb is Sarah Palin again?
The way the media has been treating this you would think they found some sort of smoking gun, which proves they wouldn't know a smoking gun if it shot them in the ass.
I know, I know....ALL politicians use teleprompters. This is true, but do they all RELY on them as heavily as Obama does?
I'm glad Obama likes to honor the Marine Corpse, the corpse does do fine work.
I'm sorry, did we have to hear for ONLY 8 years about how that little Hitler wearing a George W. Bush mask that came before Obama couldn't say "nuclear" correctly?
I know liberals have wet dreams about how the military is populated with a bunch of dumb uneducated rednecks who couldn't spell "gun" better than they can shoot one, but they know how to properly say they belong to the marine corps (which is to be read as "CORE" for the liberal readers and certain pinko presidents).
Maybe its just me, but I think they probably deserve a commander-in-chief that can do the same, because "what would Biden do" is not a good game to play when you're stuck on a word in which you should've been given a heads up.
May I suggest writing a reminder on your hand, Mr. President?Add a comment
Here is the latest addition to the Poetry section. Starting here I'm going to try something new where I'm going to try to design the poem more....I kind of did it once before, here is an example, and I kind of already do it with the way I structure my stanzas(if you can call them that, hehe), font sizes, and colors, etc...
I don't know...we'll see....
All of us who were engaged in the struggle must have observed frequent instances of superintending providence in our favor. To that kind providence we owe this happy opportunity of consulting in peace on the means of establishing our future national felicity. And have we now forgotten that powerful friend? Or do we imagine that we no longer need his assistance? I have lived, Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth-that God governs in the affairs of men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the Ground without his Notice, is it probable that an Empire can rise without his Aid?"
-Benjamin Franklin at the Constitutional Convention
GOD IS NOT A REPUBLICAN
Oh of course not!
He favors equally
Of the political party
That "progressive"ly moves
Away from His light
And derides His way
As "not necessarily" right
So how dare the
The story that
God only blesses those
Who bother to give Him glory?
What a cynic I am!
God doesn't care
If taxpayer fare
Goes to Tom Dick and Harry
Who CHOOSE to gay marry
At some abortion clinic?
If only we teach these values
to our kids
I'm the Democratic Party
and I approve this message
America's problems aren't political
It is literally
It's time for believers
To take the Stand
And not be afraid
To bring up the One who made
God provides a footstool
To give us that lift
As we pull
Up and out
Of the darkness mess
brought on by those who
shut off The Light
and then crown themselves
But beware of asserting
moral authoriity that
will use Him
As a marketing tool
Least of all Him
who can tell the difference
Yes He can
In the end
God may indeed
not be Republican
But it is a fact
He's definitely no Democrat