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Jesus and the Democrat

I received this story in a email and it made me really laugh so I had to share...


A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

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Top 10 Slogans For The 2010 Campaign

It's maybe a little soon for this one, but My last top 10 list was very well received I got amped up to make another one. Now that we have many of the primaries out of the way and the election landscape is taking shape, I wanted to help set the tone for it.

Everyone knows how this works, if I missed any good ones let me know by commenting below!


10. Vote Democrat, dozens of MSNBC viewers can’t be wrong.


9. Betting all of your money on red, so we can drown in ink that's red, brought to you by laws that we've never even read.


8. Hey! Lets cap and trade the constitution!


7. But OPEC said the oil spill was our chance to spread the wealth.


6. When Obama screws up...the only thing we have to fear is beer itself.


5. Obama's birth certificate is as real as the cash he used to buy it.


4. If you bash Bush long enough Barney Frank will ask you out.


3. ObamaCare…This is what derange looks like.


2. (To the tune of Naughty By Nature’s “O.P.P.”) You know the G.O.P. can’t outspend me.


1. Hope and Change, you can be leavin’


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The Many Faces Of Obama


Birthdays


His wedding


Losing Virginity


Becoming a father


Beating Hillary


Becoming President


Wins Obamacare


Worst oil spill ever


Kicking Ass


Nuclear Iran


Pooping in pants


Santa Claus is real?!?


Time travel


Armageddon


Rosie O'Donnell naked


Criticism

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How Obama's Meeting With General McChrystal Should Have Played Out


Obama gives General McChrystal an actual can of whoop ass


I think this would've been better if the term was can of kick ass.

Click the image above to see a larger version.

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If The Obama Administration Was a Movie...

I think I have a rough idea.


High School Presidency


I don't know if this would be a comedy or a documentary....maybe both...maybe tragedy...

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President Amateur Hour's Audacity of Dope

To quote the great Dennis Miller, "now, I don't want to get off on a rant here..." but while I may get a big kick out of calling the guy President Amateur HOur, and its one of those "haha, but not really" types of jokes, I'm starting to get worried. Obama is starting to make George W. Bush look like James Bond.

Worse yet, I'm starting to think I can be president.

Since when do leadership skills matter anyway? All you have to have is a pulse and proof of citizenship and you're all set!

There was so much frothing at the mouth over Obama it was like "Hope and Change" was the password for entry to the biggest foam party ever.

I don't blame him for treating us like we're stupid, we all saw how increasingly idiotic his supporters became as the 2008 campaign wore on. If they were dogs McCain would be president right now because they would've had to be put down for liberal rabies long before election day. I'm sure Old Yeller would've appreciated knowing that all he had to do was declare his undying love for a vapid Democrat running for president and he would have never been shot.

The audacity of dope this president continues to put on display for the world is just hard to believe. He calls job growth caused only by the hiring of temporary census workers a sign of recovery like people are too dumb to know they're going right back to unemployment.

He then criticizes BP's CEO for going yachting while the oil spill continues, and he does it from a freakin' golf course.

So why is this not hypocrisy you may ask?



Biden took it ..... we're screwed

Clear his mind? WHAT MIND? Based on the decisions he has been making since taking office I hadn't noticed he actually had one.

So what Bill Burton is trying to tell the world is that the president has to relieve himself of stress, and pissing on the constitution isn't good enough because that's technically "work," so he has to go on the golf course on Fathers Day (where's his family?) with Biden, as if he needed yet another zero added to his scorecard.

Meanwhile the CEO of BP is obligated to work himself up into a stroke, because that's what the leadership of a beleaguered corporation needs right now?

Children are running the government! These guys think they're like the popular clique in high school who say and do ANYTHING they want while criticizing "outsiders" if they do the exact same thing.

Does anyone think its an accident that General Stanley McChrystal and his people blabbed to a reporter about the morons they have to answer to? These guys plan and predict the movements of TERRORISTS! You bet your butt they knew their words were going to go from the reporters pen to Barack's ears.

The General didn't exercise "poor judgment," he knew exactly what he was doing. He was crying for help, or for a real president...or a unicorn, I don't know...he seems to have an equal chance of finding any of those things in Washington DC these days.

Good lord...is it November yet?

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Other Ways To Say O.B.A.M.A


I'm not looking to replace the permanent champion of O.B.A.M.A acronyms above....I just want to share some of my own:



Obama acronyms

(click to see a larger version)



Then there is also Over Bites Are Marxist Attributes

Could have also said Over Bites Are Maoist Attributes

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What Liberals Eat For Breakfast

There is:
Regular
Fruity
Chocolate
Apple Cinnamon
Yogurt Burst
Multi Grain
Banana Nut
Honey Nut

and now...


Crazy Nut Cheerios


Directions: Just add Kool-Aid.

Click the image to see a larger version.

UPDATE: Some have told me I should have gone with Fruit Loops instead, but I'm talking about liberals in general, not Barney Frank specifically.

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Limericks About Obama

Last week I came up with a limerick about Obama (here) and got some really good ones sent to me in response, below are some of the ones I thought were funny and/or very clever:

A Kenyan imposter that you know 
Said, "Screwing is one thing I do know, 
A woman is fine, 
And sheep are divine, 
But Larry is numero uno. 


Before he took office as president
Obama, congressional resident
was hired for voting
but spent time devoting
his efforts to mark himself present


He got elected because of his race.
To the White House, a once beautiful place.
Spreading his Obama stash around,
Driving the country into the ground.
Never letting a crisis go to waste.


Obama, a man of no worth
With his wooky of oversized girth
Rode his ghost written books
And his sound bites and hooks
To election with no proof of birth


There once was a man from Mombasa
Who lived in a very fine casa
He thought he was king
And loved the left wing
Al Qaeda, Hamas, and La Raza




This last one was a bit unorthodox...A trilogy of sorts, the last one doesn't work technically, but I really liked the effort


Obama's the fellow they picked
They chose him because he's so slick.
A fast talking schemer
the ultimate dreamer,
but BP has taught him new tricks.

While he's off putting balls on the green
with new skills even he's never seen,
BPs working swiftly
with skills new and nifty
to bring in more cash for their queen.

They pay 20 billion
to make a few trillion,
and then disappear from the scene.
Now I don't want to spoil it,
but the gulf's a huge toilet
and I wish it was all JUST a bad dream.

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Conservative Satire Headlines June 14-17

This is the last addition to the headlines archive. I'm putting the headlines on an indefinite hiatus. After more than a year of coming up with 1-2 on average every day I'm out of juice for writing them, especially since I've upped my posting frequency for the blog itself. The result is my creative energies have been transfered to other things. I don't know how this will play out yet, but I'm going to give it a rest for now



POLL FINDS DEMS PLACE LAST IN THREE WAY RACE FOR CONGRESS WITH GOP AND THE OIL SPILL - June 17

BIDEN DEFENDS BP CHAIRMAN CALLING GULF RESIDENTS "LITTLE PEOPLE," POINTS OUT HE REALLY MEANT "WEE THE PEOPLE" - June 17

AIDE LEAKS EXPLANATION THAT OBAMA CONSIDERS FREQUENT GOLF GAMES TO BE LIKE EXTENDED CIGARETTE BREAKS - June 16

OBAMA HAILS BIDEN AS A GENIUS FOR SUGGESTING THAT THE DEFICIT COULD BE CLOSED BY TAXING TAXES - June 16

OBAMA SPEECH TO FOCUS ON ASKING AMERICA WHAT HE SHOULD DO WITH "A FRIEND" WHO HAS SCREWED UP BEING PRESIDENT - June 15

BIDEN RUSHED TO HOSPITAL TO GET STOMACH PUMPED AFTER MISTAKING TAR BALLS FOR BLACK LICORICE FLAVORED PASTE - June 15

OBAMA PLACES OIL SPILL DISASTER SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 9-11 AND VOTERS WAKING UP TO HIM - June 14

1-1 TIE IN WORLD CUP BETWEEN USA AND ENGLAND DEEMED A WATERSHED VICTORY FOR SPORTS BY LEADING SOCIALISTS - June 14

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