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Conservative Satire News January 31, 2011

A judge in Florida rules the entirety of ObamaCare to be unconstitutional, but allows an exception on the clause for pre-existing conditions like Helen Thomas.

Anthony Weiner explains that part of the reason he is "still pissed" about the public option being removed from ObamaCare has to do with his name being "Weiner."

Obama administration releases white paper covering the handling of the governmental crisis in Egypt titled "Present."

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The NFL is Successful Because of Socialism?!?

Bill Maher has a hard enough time telling jokes, he should really stay out of economics....

New Rule: With the Super Bowl only a week away, Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, for all the F-15 flyovers and flag waving, football is our most successful sport because the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poor teams...

Because football is built on an economic model of fairness and opportunity, and baseball is built on a model where the rich almost always win and the poor usually have no chance. The World Series is likeReal Housewives of Beverly Hills. You have to be a rich bitch just to play. The Super Bowl is like Tila Tequila. Anyone can get in....

(T)hey literally share the wealth, through salary caps and revenue sharing - TV is their biggest source of revenue, and they put all of it in a big commie pot and split it 32 ways. Because they don't want anyone to fall too far behind. That's why the team that wins the Super Bowl picks last in the next draft. Or what the Republicans would call "punishing success."

Read the "article" in its entire context at The Huffington Post

aka liberal arguments

Read the rest of it if you REALLY want. I truncated most of it, and as a result I left out the intended jokes and focused soley on the real ones.

Depressing success in the name of "competition" also depresses quality of the product, or at least prevents motivation for improvement, which fuels real competition and a better quality of life. Even Maher admits this to be true of NFL teams, so why is the NFL's overall success different?

Well, separate companies selling widgets don't fall under one organizational umbrella like football teams under the NFL...or the mainstream media under the secret cabal of progressive overlords. Which is an elite group consisting of George Soros and his goblin finger puppets.

Widget companies are all individually competing for market share, so they're not in the same situation as the NFL. Football teams' economic competition is and remains localized (versus other forms of entertainment) since the teams aren't really competing for demand in markets other than their own.

The NFL recognizes that if they can maintain fan interest in all of its teams that would translate into more profit for the organization as a whole, which works because football, unlike the comedy of Bill Maher, is entertainment. So it benefits from generating the drama and mystery (and therefore fans' dollars) from season to season by forcing a level playing field.

In essence what they are doing is, in fact, capitalist...because they are taking the steps they need to take to maximize profit in order to gain, and win, in the market of entertainment. In other words, this is a business model, not a governmental one like socialism is.

The same things simply aren't true with companies that sell widgets. It's hard to understand why Maher can't see this since it's as clear as the nose on his face.

There is another good response to all of this at News Real Blog.

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Meet Egypt's New Vice President

Mubarak makes Biden his vice president

If it's tough to read you can click the image to see a larger version.

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Time Magazine's Cover Helps Show Why Liberals Are Wrong About Conservative Humor

There was a time when it was pretty effortless to find articles from liberals on why conservatives simply don't have the DNA to be funny. In fact, before starting The Looking Spoon I tried to look at other conservative humor blogs to see what they were doing. All I had to do was Google "conservative humor" and among the top results would be articles propagating this myth.

Flashforward about 2 years later, I decided to Google "conservative humor" now and found these articles to be nowhere in sight unless you change your search to conservatives can't be funny. For me I know it was the arrogance of their perceived superiority following the 2008 election that motivated me and others to spring into action.

This rant should come with a soundtrack

Perhaps we just needed our backs to the wall to speak up and take back "conservative humor" for search engine results everywhere, but it's stuff like Time magazines latest cover that make it too dang easy.

Their arrogance was their undoing politically, and it's also like gasoline on a conservative funny-bone fueled fire.

From GeronL at Free Republic

This last one from iOwnTheWorld proves there's always two sides to every story...

To any liberals viewing this in bemusement and scratching their heads with the same caution Biden uses to check his hair plugs...THESE - ARE - FUNNY! You make it SO EASY too.

If anyone knows who the artist behind any of the other pieces that are not attributed (all of which were shared with me at Free Republic) step right up and claim the credit you deserve.

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Conservative Satire News January 28, 2011

The efficacy of Tracy Morgan's celebrity has been thrown into question after sexually suggestive comments the comedian directed Sarah Palin, when asked for comment Palin responded "I don't even know who this Tracy lady is.".

Violent protests in Egypt has Napolitano ordering DHS to look into how the Egyptian people were infiltrated by the Tea Party.

Time magazine's feature about the similarities between Obama and Reagan has put geologists in California on alert for "the big one" in case it causes 40th president to turn over more than his grave.

Dennis Kucinich demands as part of a settlement with a DC cafeteria over dental damage from an olive pit that before release for consumption all olives are required to undergo liberal sensitivity training.

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Rejected Drafts of Time Magazine's Obama "Hearts" Reagan

There's the good...

the bad...

and the ugly...

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If Reagan Were Alive to Pose for a Picture With Obama for Time Magazine

They would've had something different to Photoshop...

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When Did Reagan Become Obama's Presidential Soul Mate?

Time magazine has finally taken the Obama presidency into The Twilight Zone

At a glance, it's hard to imagine a President who had less in common with Reagan than the Ivy League lawyer from Hawaii who seeks larger federal investments, a bigger social safety net and new regulations for Wall Street and Big Oil. But under the surface, there is no mistaking Obama's increasing reliance on his predecessor's career as a helpful template for his own. …

Obama's affection for Reagan's political style carries with it a clear self-interest. White House aides gaze fondly at the arc of the Reagan presidency in part because they pray Obama's will mirror it. Both men entered office in wave elections in which the political center made a historic shift. Both faced deep economic downturns with spiking unemployment in their first term. Both relied heavily on the power of oratory. "Our hope," admits Gibbs, "is the story ends the same way."

Get the entire article here

It's a long article, so here are some of the reasons why, according to Time, Obama's presidential destiny may be divined from Reagan's:

  • Obama and Reagan had similar parental situations.
  • They both pride themselves on bringing people together...stop laughing
  • They're very reliant on their spouses
  • Both trust instinct over advisors
  • They both experienced midterm defeats amid hard economic times.

All of these similarites are well and good, but I feel like they barely scratch the surface of why Obama looks to Reagan's history as a template for his own impending success. For instance:

  • Both men were elected by getting more votes than their opponent
  • Obama acutally recited the exact same oath Reagan took
  • Reagan lived in the White House, Obama lives in the White House now
  • Like in Reagan's time we still call it the Oval Office
  • Both men have eyes, ears, a nose, and mouth
  • Both men were men
  • Both men were born
  • My favorite similarity, neither man could survive life without food and water, I
My favorite similarity is that they both have faces.

When you look at this laundry list you can't help but wonder what took us all so long to figure out that Obama is so much more than a liberal Ronald Reagan. The two are presidential soul mates and we just never knew it.

It makes me think of that scene in "Back to the Future" where George McFly approaches Marty's mom Lorraine in the diner and says "I'm George McFly, I'm your density."

And the guy who wrote the script for that scene is fired.

In that analogy George is Obama, Lorraine is of course Reagan (a girl, yes unless YOU are willing to rewrite the 50's into some gay utopia).

Hey! You know what has absolutely no relevance to all of this? The fact that both men have diametrically opposing views of the role of government!

Talk about freakin' fluff! Time magazine brilliantly hit the nail on the head when they decided to focus on the superficial similarities and ignore red herrings like the fact their philosophical and moral cores go together like oil and the Gulf of Mexico.

Similar historical circumstances produce similar results regardless of whether the decisions made to navigate out of them are rooted in individual liberty or a more central authority.

It worked in 80's buddy cop movies

The difference couldn't be more stark...or less important, right?

I'm telling you, if this conclusion were more scientific than they already are you could prove global warming with it.

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Conservative Satire News January 27, 2011

Yep, changing "headlines" to "news" since I'm not really writing headlines!

While in agreement now that the filibuster wont be going through any changes, Senators Reid and McConnell continue to argue over whether it should've been called reform or deform.

Republicans criticize Palin's abbreviation of Obama's State of the Union slogan "winning the future" to "WTF," saying she's not being helpful by limiting it to just his speech.

Facing charges of plagiarism in his State of the Union address Obama insists he did no such thing in the eyes of supporters, whom even conservatives agree must've been born yesterday.

Conservatives hail Obama's choice of Jay Carney as the new press secretary, citing his experience as Biden's Communications Director ensures the perfect level of intellect to replace Robert Gibbs.

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Dennis Kucinich Shows Everyone How Courage Is Done

This is the banner for Dennis Kucinich's website (click on it if you can't read the bottom).

America's most COURAGEOUS congresman! Wow. I wish there was a pageant so he could wear the sash he probably made for himself. Look at how he looks "forward" from right to the left like we live in an Asian culture. Then again being "progressive" requires backward thinking, so I guess he has that right.

If his wife were in congress is it safe to say she would be America's most courageous congresswoman? She would, after all, have to admit to being Mrs. Kucinich.

So what does a profile in courage look like for America's most courageous congressman?

The Ohio Democrat filed a legal complaint Wednesday in D.C. Superior Court, spelling out the case in chilling detail: The wrap was "unwholesome and unfit for human consumption, in that it was represented to contain pitted olives, yet unknown to plaintiff contained an unpitted olive."...

The complaint also says that Kucinich "sustained serious and permanent dental and oral injuries requiring multiple surgery and oral procedures" and says Kucinich has sustained other damages, "including significant pain, suffering and loss of enjoyment."

Kucinich is seeking $150,000 in damages, plus interest and costs, from Restaurant Associates, which manages the cafeteria, and three other businesses that stock and help run the operation.

More at ABC News

How about that? The man who once wanted to be president (and may run again if the mothership doesn't come to collect him) got fragged by an olive pit!

If only he won the presidency....and Reagan were still alive. They could trade stories about their war wounds. The people who voted for Dennis would be SO proud.

What is he suing for? Does he want restaurants to run food through the TSA naked scanners before serving it to him?

Democrats wonder why people know they're weak on national security. Its because they wet themselves over a seed in a sandwich so much that it causes "suffering and loss of enjoyment." It's a wonder that al Qaeda doesn't openly endorse the party...or at least employ reverse psychology and tell us to vote Republican.

Being that liberals are characteristically miserable people as it is (before liberals get mad, stamp their feet and access their dictionary to spell check "racist" and "bigot" --->they should know that it's based on their say so <---), I don't know what enjoyment is lost for the most liberal of congressmen other an injured mouth would prevent hearing himself talk.

Or maybe living in constant hope that people will stop saying he's related to Gollum. Could you imagine if the birthers got all lathered up about a president who may have been born in Middle Earth?

Good luck to you Dennis, don't forget to wear your big boy diapers when you go to court.

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